This causes and effects model essay is about obesity in children.
You specifically have to talk about the causes (reasons) of the increase in overweight children, and explain the effects (results) of this.
Here is the question:
| The percentage of overweight children in Western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. |
Thinking about Coherence & Cohesion
This particular essay is organized as follows:
- Body 1: Causes
- Body 2: Effects
Of course, it is also possible to have a 3 body paragraph essay. For example
| Body 1: CausesBody 2: CausesBody 3: Effects | Body 1: EffectsBody 2: EffectsBody 3: Causes |
However, remember not to write too little on one part.
For example, if you wrote one very short paragraph about ’causes’ with little support and most of your essay on ‘effects’, you may then be seen to have not fully answered both parts of the question.
Another possible way of organizing it is to put each cause and its effect within a separate paragraph:
- Body 1: Cause 1 – Effect
- Body 2: Cause 2 – Effect
If you do this though, each particular cause must relate to that specific effect.
Sample Question Child Obesity Essay
| You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: The percentage of overweight children in Western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge. Write at least 250 words. |
Causes and Effects Essay – Model Answer
Over the last ten years, western societies have seen close to a 20% rise in the number of children who are overweight. This essay will discuss some reasons why this has occurred and examine the consequences of this worrying trend.
The main cause of this problem is poor diet. Over the last decade, there has been a prolific increase in the number of fast-food restaurants. For example, on nearly every high street there is a MacDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and Pizza Hut. The food in these places has been proven to be very unhealthy, and much of the advertising is targeted at children, thus ensuring that they constitute the bulk of the customers of these establishments. However, it is not only due to eating out, but also the type of diet many children have at home. A lot of food consumed is processed food, especially with regards to ready-made meals which are a quick and easy option for parents who are working hard.
The effects of this have been and will continue to be very serious. Firstly, there has been a large increase in health-related diseases amongst children, especially diabetes. This debilitating illness means a child has to be injected with insulin for the rest of their life. Not only this, very overweight children often experience bullying from other children, which may affect their mental health. The negative stigma of being overweight may also affect self-esteem.
To sum up, it is evident that there are several causes of obesity amongst children, and a variety of negative effects. Society must ensure steps are taken to prevent this problem from deteriorating further.
(275 words)
Evaluation of the model answer
Task Achievement: Band 8
The essay addresses the prompt effectively, discussing both causes and effects of childhood obesity in a logical and organized manner. Each point is well-explained, and examples, such as the influence of fast food and processed meals, support the argument. While the essay effectively communicates the main causes and consequences, further detail about potential solutions or preventive measures would enhance completeness.
Coherence and Cohesion: Band 8
The structure of the essay is clear, with a strong introduction and conclusion, as well as well-organized body paragraphs. Transitions between ideas are generally smooth, and cohesive devices like “for example,” “not only this,” and “to sum up” effectively link ideas. However, a little more variety in linking phrases would enhance the essay’s flow and reduce minor repetitiveness, especially in linking the discussion of causes to effects.
Lexical Resource: Band 8
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with effective use of topic-specific terms like “processed food,” “health-related diseases,” and “mental health.” Phrasing like “debilitating illness” and “negative stigma” adds precision to the language, but there are minor errors in word choice and consistency. For instance, “a prolific increase” might be more accurately stated as “a significant increase.” Small adjustments in vocabulary could further elevate clarity and accuracy.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: Band 8
The essay shows a solid command of grammar, with a variety of sentence structures that enhance readability. Passive voice, conditional statements, and complex sentences are generally used accurately. Minor errors, such as “a child has to be injected with insulin for the rest of their life” (which could be corrected to “the rest of their lives”), are present but do not impede understanding. Further variation in sentence structure would add complexity and a more advanced range.
Overall Band: 8
The essay is well-structured, relevant, and insightful, addressing the question with clarity and depth. To reach a higher band, more complex linking devices and slightly more advanced vocabulary could be employed, as well as a broader exploration of potential solutions to the issue of childhood obesity.
Leave a Reply